Imaginary Classic: The '86 Celtics vs The '96 Bulls

The ’86 Celtics and ’96 Bulls are two of the greatest teams of all-time. The Bulls won more games but some say they played in a league watered down by expansion. The Celtics had a slightly more impressive playoff run, but some say they won in a league where mullets and pornstaches were not uncommon.

How would this best-of-seven play out?  Here are the plotlines.  

Rodman vs McHale—Nicknames make matchups and this one’s a classic comic book cover: a genetically enhanced Worm Man wrestling an anthropomorphic Black Hole for post position. Rodman fanatics swear he could guard anyone, but McHale with his alleged 8 foot wingspan and torture chamber post moves would be a problem. Fortunately the Black Hole was, at least according to Danny Ainge, a reluctant passer. So you could attack him with double teams designed to force turnovers. Deploying the rangy Bull wing defenders is a strategy Defensive Coordinator Johnny Bach would have been more than happy to compose.[1]

So Where’s That Double Coming From?—Dennis Johnson was a 44% shooter for his career. Regular season and the playoffs. In fact, in almost every single season, he shot right at 44%. And that's not all. He shot 44% in the park. He shot 44% in the dark. He shot 44% in the rain. He shot 44% on a train. He shot 44% off a fake. He shot 44% in to a lake.

But he could not shoot it from behind a tree. And he could not, would not, shoot it from Three.

So the Bulls would play probation officer defense on DJ—they’d just check in occasionally, except for the last few minutes when DJ was known to be clutch. 

Pace—How would the super slow-mo Celtics in their tight, short 80s shorts keep up with the track team speed of the baggy shorts wearing Bulls?  Actually that was a trick question! Somehow, in spite of their constrictive drawers, the Celtics’ pace was 101.2, which was just about the league average for ‘86. The ’96 Bulls’ pace was a bumpy-and-grindy 91.1, again, just about the league average for that particular season. Put another way, the mid ‘80s played fast enough that a team could expect 10 more offensive possessions a game. Would the Bulls want to play that fast? Or would they prefer to stay in their methodical Triangle Offense comfort zone?   

Smack Talk—Michael Jordan and Larry Bird: better basketball players or trash talkers? I figure Bird starts it off by telling MJ he thinks the Bulls have a great chance to come in 2nd.  Then Jordan nonchalantly reminds Larry that Bird referred to MJ as God after he put up 63. on his team.[2] Then Larry says well, since the Celts swept that series, that must mean not even God himself could get a game off them.

Whether or not Larry is then struck by lightning could be a factor.

3 Pointers—the Bulls would have a huge advantage since they’d get to shoot at the 1996 3 point line distance of 22 feet all-the-way-around. Meanwhile, the Celtics would have to shoot from the traditional three point arc of 23 feet 9 inches. And wow! Those ‘96 Bulls 3 point percentages look awesome! 40% as a team?! Sorry Celtics. Should have picked one of those 22 footer seasons to be great in. That's just the way it is and I'm afraid there's nothing we can do about it.

Ron Harper on O—The Celtics wouldn’t guard Ron Harper on the perimeter. Harper would have enough time by himself to take up new hobbies, like origami and motorcycle repair. He’ll have to cut to the hole to just keep from getting lonely.

6th Man Battle—Toni Kukoc won 6th Man Of The Year and he was skilled but soft. Bill Walton won 6th Man Of The Year and he was skilled but brittle. This matchup could settle the soft vs brittle debate once and for all.   

DJ guarding MJ—Dennis Johnson made the All-Defensive Team First Team six times. So Michael Jordan didn’t just got out and score 63 on DJ and the Celts every single time. No, sometimes Jordan only scored 52. Or 50. Or 49. But one time, in the ‘86 Playoffs actually, Johnson held Jordan to 19 points. And Dave Corzine scored more points. That’s the game ‘86 DJ should watch to get ready for this. He could invite Dave Corzine over. They could eat pizza rolls.

Pippen Guarding Bird—I’ve watched YouTube videos of Bird scoring on Pippen every single time he guards him and Pippen looks like a punk. And I’ve also seen YouTube videos where Pippen stops Bird over and over and Bird looks like a scrub. I racked my brain, but couldn’t decide which of those two scenarios was more likely. So I’m going outside the box. And I’m predicting the Bird-Pippen matchup winds up somewhere in the middle. And I feel confident saying that.  

McHale Guards Pippen? And Bird Guards Rodman?—McHale made the NBA’s All Defense Team 3 times and sometimes guarded the other team’s small forward. If that happened here, you get a fun McHale vs Pippen matchup and either Bird or Parrish tries keeping Rodman off the offensive glass. Good luck! Whoever draws that assignment will have to decide if spending all that energy and being exhausted on offense is actually worth it. Might be better just to rest. Meanwhile, Rodman will be flying to Vegas in between games, lifting weights on the plane while doing tequila shots, and only taking bathroom breaks to wait in line for the mile high club.  

The Bull’s Triangle Offense vs the Celtics’ Tambourine Defense—Ok, one of these things didn’t actually exist. But neither would be played in the 4th quarter…

A Shocking Conclusion—The record skips late in the 4th quarter of Game 7 when Rodman and McHale declare an abrupt cease-fire to their low-block warfare to saunter off to the side and discuss their admiration for a seemingly self-made, apparently successful, not-yet-orange business man named Donald Trump who they think could make a swell President some day. Steve Kerr throws up. Not sure if it’s a reaction to the Trump love or just nerves from the thought of having to try to make a pressure three from 23’ 9” after shooting 22 footers all season. Yeah, of course I moved the line back! I’m not a monster!

The stoppage gives Michael Jordan a few moments to reflect, and it hits him cold—if the Bulls win, some Republicans will be angry, and Republicans buy shoes too. Then suddenly, one of the refs takes his umpire mask off (safety first) and, Hey! It’s Enrico Palazzo! Ok, actually, it’s Frank Drebin.

Either way, everyone left stops playing and that’s a wrap—Game 7 ends in a tie. No one's happy. But it keeps me from pissing off either Celtics or Bulls fans. I guess you could say I got political.



[1] Speaking of the Bach and composing, did you know Johan Sebastian Bach has a slow jam called “Air on G String”?  I'm told it's a song artsy strippers dance to.
[2] Which ‘86 Bird should remember since for him, that would have just happened.

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