The George Mikan vs Bronny James GOAT Debate is for People Who've Hit Rock Bottom

The GOAT debate is kind of a big deal. From all the traffic I see on the sixty three basketball themed Facebook groups I'm in, the GOAT debate could even be the single greatest force in the global economy right now. Even though that doesn’t quite make sense, since the only job most of my debate opponents appear to have is making crushed-beer-can-and-pizza-crust jewelryin their mom’s basement.

Yeah, I'm a pretty big GOATer myself. I started GOATing out on Wilt vs MJ, patiently explaining to people why Michael is better. But that got old. All I had to do was talk about how Wilt’s regular season numbers were grossly inflated by the frenetic pace of his era and how Wilt wasn’t great in the clutch. Once I got bored I switched over to MJ vs LeBron. I started on the MJ side—you mainly just talk about how MJ never got nervous and got rid of the ball like a hot potato in the closing minutes of a Finals game. Then that got stale, so just for kicks I started defending LeBron against the haters that don’t appreciate his all-around game and pointed out the fact that most of his Finals losses were basically inevitable. Then that got boring too. And I was completely lost and basically sat on my couch and remained in a semi-catatonic state for a number of months.

I got to where I needed a really extreme GOAT debate to get my fix. Then I found this and it's pretty perfect: Bronny James vs George Mikan. Yeah, it’s a little weird. So let me explain how I got there.

There are people on the Internet who claim to have time traveled from the future. They post videos and everything. It's pretty compelling stuff. And a lot of them think-—well, know actually, that LeBron’s now-16-year-old son Bronny is the GOAT. And they can sure quote you some pretty convincing stats and stories. It is a bit challenging though-—and they can explain why better than I can—-for them to bring back video from the future…..

Yeah, I don't believe ‘em, but that's not going to stop me from arguing GOAT with them. Why would it? I'll argue GOAT with anybody.

I started out arguing a bunch of guys as greater than Bronny—MJ, Wilt, Russell, even LeBron Sr—but it all got old quick. These future people are obviously completely insane! Just makin’ shit up! And I shouldn't have been able to defeat them as easily as I did! See, I do the work. I watch old tape and memorize the most advanced stats. And I refined my arguments so much, I would beat the time travelers every time they had the misfortune to travel to my little corner of the Internet. So I got bored once again. To get my fix, I needed an even more impossible challenge. And that's when I joined the Mikan-Is-GOAT camp.

Let me be clear about a coupe of things. First, there isn't really a Mikan-Is-GOAT camp—-it's just me! At least after 8 pm since that's when Dick and Ralph and Harry go to bed, and to be be honest , those guys are more exquisite penmanship letter writers than Facebook posters anyway. Second, It's not that there’s not a much stronger case for Bronny as GOAT than Mikan. There obviously is! it’s just that it’s never the case the social media mobsters make. Instead they’re just talking weak shit about Mikan. Like how he never played against anyone but white dudes who did the Hippy Hippy Shake and how back then that league was full of lumberjacks and plumbers. Comes on, man! Those guys were Gs! As long as G is short for Guild Member! Yeah. so what if Mikan's opponents were milk men and woodcutters? They were also underrated athletes who could T-Bird Trot their asses off. 

I guess what I hate most in any GOAT debate is how any mouth breather can make a slick ass meme to accompany their bad faith argument. For example, I saw this one that was supposedly teleported from 2051:  

Ok, so I guess meme technology hasn't progressed much—-that thing almost looks like it was sloppily created by a middle aged 2021 person. But I was still pissed! Because right away I knew that post was talking about how it's the canonical belief of Fake Future People that Bronny’s team wins every Finals he plays in the 2030s but Mikan's punk ass lost in a Finals in ‘51. Good one Bronny Mob! Of course Bronny also never played in the Finals on a broken leg. But Mikan did—it's the one he lost—true information—look it up! 

But I admit, even as Mikan is GOAT guy, I get pretty annoyed by some of the anti-Bronny stuff too. Yeah, I know Mikan never got swept in the first round. But he also never had to play a team of cyborgs who shoot lasers out their assholes like Bronny will in 2042! And I understand that Bronny never won a playoff series without Alex Caruso Jr. on the team. But from 2032 thru 2039, Caruso Jr. averages 2.9 points on 6% shooting. So stop showing me the meme of Lemon Face the Younger holding up Bronny as he struggles off the court that say he “carried” him when we all know the picture's from a game where Bronny scores 74 points while playing through the Ebola virus. It was sick! And like I said, even as a Mikan guy, the worst thing Mikan ever played with in the Finals was a broken leg.

So thanks inventing the Internet for the world Al Gore. If there’s anything we can do for you in return, you just let us know. But I’ll probably still be on this Mikan/Bronny thing.